I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
