shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize
