OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Randomize
