16 and pregnant actually makes me really happy that i'm gay
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
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