apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
