I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
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