You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Randomize
