im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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