As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
I was just dry heaving outside of the Chem building when a guided tour walked by. Welcome to the Maritimes kids...
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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