just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
Randomize
