I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
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