My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
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