We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
Randomize
