I am doing a scientific study and i need a brief description of the underpants you are wearing
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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