Three words: puerto rican gang bang
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
i dont even know how to be here
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
Zip lining have a big frozedn drink with 151 rum chippendale pic life is GREAT
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
Randomize
