All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
