Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
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