Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Randomize
