I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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