I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
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I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
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If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
Randomize