i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
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