Three words: puerto rican gang bang
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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