Running into every girl no one would hook up with here at rick's. Typical.
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Randomize
