fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
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