What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Haga you didnt jbsii whee wu an therer
Party on wayne
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
I pour the whiskey from now on
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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