I can't breathe out the right side of my face
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
you ever wonder how lesbians feel about girls being in relationships with other girls on facebook? could it annoy them more than it annoys me?
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
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