Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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