I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
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