After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
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