Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
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