I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
Randomize
