What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
