remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
she had a my little ponys comforter. i left when she went to the bathroom
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
Drunk is a universal language darling
Randomize
