if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
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