did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
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She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
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