Got a little crazy huh? Happy st pattys day. None of you have any idea where my credit card would be do you? How do i always lose
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there.
None of that is ok.
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
Randomize
