In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
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