The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
Randomize
