She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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