"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
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