and she was petting her beer can
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
Randomize
