I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
Do you rver get that feeling like their are poprocks filling ur boday?
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
We need to feng shui this bitch.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
Randomize
