sorry about calling you the devil all night.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
