He asked me if I "almost moaned"
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
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