I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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