What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
