see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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