Kiss
Puke
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
Randomize
