I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
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