Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
What drink are we having for lunch?
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
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