I'm laying in your front yard are you home
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
Randomize
