you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
She's better-looking with the mask on.
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