I cut my penus on the lid.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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