Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
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