cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
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