it's too hot outside to masturbate.
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
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