If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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