How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Randomize
