My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
