went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
