I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
