I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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